Conflict and Relationship

(Cartoon sketched by Atharva Vinod Bidwaik for the book "Vitality in Human Resource") 

In most of the relationships, either in personal or professional life, conflicts occur because of lack of proper understanding, communication, and respect. Somebody rightly said, “Without communication, there is no relationship. Without respect, there is no love. Without trust, there’s no reason to continue.”

Over time, behaviours are changed and that escalates conflicts which may damage the relationship. Those behaviours become the normal part of communication between partners, friends or among colleagues. Generally speaking, conflicts occur because of four behaviours in any relationship. Those are as under:

Behaviour 1:

Criticism:

Problem: Wise people said, “Don’t blame the person, blame the behaviour of the person.” We missed this. Blaming is pointing and if you blame somebody, it makes him/her defensive. While criticizing, the focus is on perceived personal shortcomings instead of changeable behaviours. For example: “You again made a mistake, you are dumb.”

Solution: “Communicate unto the other person that you would want him to communicate unto you if your positions were reversed.” quotes Aaron Goldman

The best solution is to deal with problems in a calm and gentle way. The focus should be on the problem, not the person. The person in question should also take it positively. Feedback is always a gift which helps the development, however when you take the feedback personally, conflicts occur. For example: “I am disappointed by your mistake, can you take corrective actions and ensure that such mistakes don’t happen.”

Behaviour 2:

Being Defensive:

Problem: When the feedback is given, the person takes it personally and becomes defensive. S/he doesn’t take ownership of his/her behaviour and starts blaming others and circumstances. There are a lot of excuses to justify the mistake. For Example: “This is not my fault. I sent the mail and I have not received any response from him.”

Solution: Own up to your behaviour without blaming others or circumstances. Feedback is like a gift. As said by Ken Blanchard “Feedback is the breakfast of champions.” If you want to be the champion and take control of your life, always seek feedback and demonstrate the right behaviour. Say, “I have sent the mail, I have not received the response yet, I should have just picked up the phone and called him.”

Behaviour 3:

Showing disrespect:

Problem: People love themselves. They need to maintain their self-image. Showing anger, disgust, or hostility towards the next person, creates conflicts. Making them scared, threatening them about the negative consequences, being sarcastic and showing the power, hurt the people. Some people are experts at throwing tantrums. This is toxic in any relationship and also in organizational culture.    

Solution: Make people comfortable and help them to realise their behaviour. Explain to them two sides of the issue, negative and positive consequences. Appreciating the right time, showing respect and creating trust (ART) build a strong relationship.    

Behaviour 4:

Stopping to communicate or stonewalling:

Problem: The person withdraws emotionally, shutting down, or going silent during important discussions. S/he stops communicating and listening. Based on the situation, the person avoids having difficult conversations and goes in the capsule. However, because of this behaviour nobody is able to solve the problem or issues.   

Solution: Self reflection is the key. Understand your blind spots and try to improve on the same. The key is not being passive, aggressive or playing the card of victim but being assertive and understanding the actions and meaning of those actions. Be positive and try to speak about the problem and not the person.

The key in a healthy relationship is listening and understanding the next person. There is always a story behind any conflicts and relationship, it is upto you how you make that story interesting and with a happy ending. 

(Opinions are purely personal & does not represent my organizations, current or past) 

Author's book are available on Amazon, Flipkart, Pothi and BookGanga. Income from books is used for social cause. 

Don’t underrate me dad!

We sometimes underestimate our kids. My 9-year old son, Atharva came to me and asked for the tool kit. He has the habit to make experiment mechanics on his toy cars. He also makes something hybrid instruments, designs from existing toys and broken material. His room is full of material which I would have thrown.

“What will you do with this, another experiment? Ok. जे करायचे ते कर, पण पसारा मांडायचा नाही. (do whatsoever you want to do but don’t mess up) ” His mom  

“I want it for fixing the lock of balcony door. It got jammed.” He replied.

“How will you repair the lock?” I asked “Let me do that” He fully ignored me and grabbed the toolkit from me.

He took the toolkit, adjusted the screwdriver, and unscrewed the lock from the door. He got the spring which was malfunctioned. He observed the whole lock and tried to fix it.

“Give it to me. I will fix for you.” I just took it from him.

I tried it unsuccessfully. He was trying to guide me through the whole process. But I could not do it.

He grabbed the kit once again angrily and fixed the spring at appropriate place, fixed the lock on door successfully.

“See you were underrating the kid. He did that.” Mom

“I know. There is always logic in mechanics. You have to place appropriate component at appropriate place and try.” He replied.

“And second thing, you should not underestimate him anymore.” My wife 

“I am sorry, I failed to understand you.” I raised my hands.

This is a typical example, how we deal with children at home and juniors/subordinates at office. Atharva has taken an initiative to fix the lock. Then he, himself fixed it. He was not expecting any help from me. He expected only the availability of tool. He knew that he would fix the problem. I would have just observed him and offer him support when he needed.       

In corporate environment, typical managers ask the people to take initiative and then they have reservations on their capabilities.

I learned a lesson. Don’t undermine the capabilities of the people, neither of your kids nor of junior. Second if they come with some initiatives and solutions, trust on their capabilities and offer support only when they needed. Observe their performance what they are doing. I could not fix the problem. Imagine if you step in the job your junior doing and you end up by not resolving the issue. 

I am sharing what 'I Saw and I Learnt' at BlogAdda.com in association with DoRight.in.

Salesperson in Shopping Malls

We all visit shopping malls like big bazaar, d-mart, central, shopper stop, reliance fresh etc etc. Did you observe one common thing? All these shopping malls hire salespersons, some companies call them customer care or support personnel. Who are those personnel? They all are from low income families. The salary range of these people is between Rs. 7500 to 10,000/-. Salary may be based on their experience and communication skills.

At another side, the customers of these malls are from higher middle class to high income group. They have the capacity to spend equal to the earning of these employees.

Now see the difference, at one side the one class who has the daily spending power equivalent to the monthly earning power of the second class. Imagine the feelings of these people. If you are interested to learn the human behaviour, I suggest to visit the mall and just observe the interaction, body language of the customer and sales personnel. Just observe how they are treated by the customers. You will be surprised to learn that most of us do not notice them.

Sales person greets the customer. Customer even does not bother to reciprocate. Total ignorance, who are they?? Salesgirl? Oh no, why should I waste my smile?

Now understand the gap. What they must be feeling about the customers? What can be the consequences, jealousy? I earn what they spend in one day. Social Gap widens. Recently one Assistant Manager of one shopping mall - call center was kidnapped by one terminated employee and demanded the huge ransom. Reason? He was terminated because of his poor performance. Performance was measured on customer satisfaction index.

I visited reliance fresh on last Sunday. The attitude and behaviour of staff was totally different. Who are the customers? Go to hell. They were silently telling that we also know how to reciprocate the gestures. Nobody was engaged. The reason may be the social gap.

I heard that Big Bazar imparts special training to these sales personnel. Big Bazar recognizes this gap and organize ethical and value based training for the staff. But don’t you think that as a responsible citizen, we should recognize these sales personnel with at least reciprocating the gestures?

We spend money for buying luxury items; smile costs nothing.
I am sharing what 'I Saw and I Learnt' at BlogAdda.com in association with DoRight.in.