Are you stuck up?

Imposter syndrome

Image: Pixabay

Are you stuck up in your current job and you are experiencing that you are not performing as per the expectations? Do you feel that you are not as capable as others perceive and your success is because of your boss, or external factors and not because of your performance? Do you feel that you are not included in the team, and nobody supports you? Are you trying to please everybody and have the feeling that you are making a lot of mistakes? If your answer is ‘yes’, perhaps you are going through an “imposter experience” also known as “imposter syndrome”. Sometimes in the career we are stuck up; there are challenges, but we are not in a position to take any action. This is a natural phenomena, however, when you feel helpless and want to withdraw, then definitely there is something wrong with you. This also leads to taking things personally and not taking the critical feedback positively. The person with these feelings starts doubting herself/himself. This leads to negative self-image.

The life here is not in the person’s control, s/he tries to set high goals, please others, try to be perfectionist and never satisfied with his/her level of understanding and try to learn many things.

Most of the time, the roots of our behaviours are in our background, upbringings and the way we are grown by parents. Studies suggest that people who come from families characterized by high levels of conflict with low amounts of support may be more likely to experience imposter syndrome. Sometimes it is possible when the person gets the new role and doesn’t believe that s/he has the right skill sets to perform. People also experience the imposter experience, when they are going through transitions. There are certain reasons like the way we think, the self-image we have developed, poor ability to manage stress & anxiety and having more expectations from self and others.   

Imposter syndrome is not the lifelong syndrome. You can overcome this experience by being positive and developing the belief in yourself. It is important to reflect on some hard-hitting questions like do you really need approval from others? Are you practical with your strengths and weaknesses?  And what are those experiences which you can reverse positively?

Few strategies to cope with imposter syndrome are:

• Self-reflect: Take stock of your strengths and weaknesses. Don’t become personal when somebody is giving you the feedback for the improvement. We all have blind spots and working on those is crucial in development.
• Challenge your thought process, identify, and recognize positive experiences where you perform and feel good. Believe that, if you did good in the past, you would do better in the future.   
• Share your feelings to whom you believe. Take their opinion and suggestions. Asking for help and support is not bad. If required, ask for the support you need from others.
• Learn emotional intelligence skills. Try to recognize the feeling and reason behind those. There may be some belief behind those emotions and feelings. Then try to convert those feelings into some rational thought process and positive feelings, sometimes finding the silver lining and creating new beliefs.
• Most important is accept yourself as it is. Think rationally about yourself. Don’t look at yourself through the eyes of others. Think or rate your behaviour and not self.

The belief that what we carry is not necessarily right, hence it is important to work on those beliefs and develop new ones based on new experiences.  

(Opinions are purely personal & does not represent my organizations, current or past) 

Author's book are available on Amazon, Flipkart, Pothi and BookGanga. Income from books is used for social cause. 

Conflict and Relationship

(Cartoon sketched by Atharva Vinod Bidwaik for the book "Vitality in Human Resource") 

In most of the relationships, either in personal or professional life, conflicts occur because of lack of proper understanding, communication, and respect. Somebody rightly said, “Without communication, there is no relationship. Without respect, there is no love. Without trust, there’s no reason to continue.”

Over time, behaviours are changed and that escalates conflicts which may damage the relationship. Those behaviours become the normal part of communication between partners, friends or among colleagues. Generally speaking, conflicts occur because of four behaviours in any relationship. Those are as under:

Behaviour 1:

Criticism:

Problem: Wise people said, “Don’t blame the person, blame the behaviour of the person.” We missed this. Blaming is pointing and if you blame somebody, it makes him/her defensive. While criticizing, the focus is on perceived personal shortcomings instead of changeable behaviours. For example: “You again made a mistake, you are dumb.”

Solution: “Communicate unto the other person that you would want him to communicate unto you if your positions were reversed.” quotes Aaron Goldman

The best solution is to deal with problems in a calm and gentle way. The focus should be on the problem, not the person. The person in question should also take it positively. Feedback is always a gift which helps the development, however when you take the feedback personally, conflicts occur. For example: “I am disappointed by your mistake, can you take corrective actions and ensure that such mistakes don’t happen.”

Behaviour 2:

Being Defensive:

Problem: When the feedback is given, the person takes it personally and becomes defensive. S/he doesn’t take ownership of his/her behaviour and starts blaming others and circumstances. There are a lot of excuses to justify the mistake. For Example: “This is not my fault. I sent the mail and I have not received any response from him.”

Solution: Own up to your behaviour without blaming others or circumstances. Feedback is like a gift. As said by Ken Blanchard “Feedback is the breakfast of champions.” If you want to be the champion and take control of your life, always seek feedback and demonstrate the right behaviour. Say, “I have sent the mail, I have not received the response yet, I should have just picked up the phone and called him.”

Behaviour 3:

Showing disrespect:

Problem: People love themselves. They need to maintain their self-image. Showing anger, disgust, or hostility towards the next person, creates conflicts. Making them scared, threatening them about the negative consequences, being sarcastic and showing the power, hurt the people. Some people are experts at throwing tantrums. This is toxic in any relationship and also in organizational culture.    

Solution: Make people comfortable and help them to realise their behaviour. Explain to them two sides of the issue, negative and positive consequences. Appreciating the right time, showing respect and creating trust (ART) build a strong relationship.    

Behaviour 4:

Stopping to communicate or stonewalling:

Problem: The person withdraws emotionally, shutting down, or going silent during important discussions. S/he stops communicating and listening. Based on the situation, the person avoids having difficult conversations and goes in the capsule. However, because of this behaviour nobody is able to solve the problem or issues.   

Solution: Self reflection is the key. Understand your blind spots and try to improve on the same. The key is not being passive, aggressive or playing the card of victim but being assertive and understanding the actions and meaning of those actions. Be positive and try to speak about the problem and not the person.

The key in a healthy relationship is listening and understanding the next person. There is always a story behind any conflicts and relationship, it is upto you how you make that story interesting and with a happy ending. 

(Opinions are purely personal & does not represent my organizations, current or past) 

Author's book are available on Amazon, Flipkart, Pothi and BookGanga. Income from books is used for social cause. 

Creating the personal impact…

J

oydeep is a performing employee, he is working well and his manager is happy with him, but he is not in a list of high potential employees. He is tagged as a good employee, but not an excellent employee. Sudeep is another employee, he is also working well, but manager is more happy with Sudeep and he is definitely in the list of high potential.

Why this difference?  

All of us know businesses thrive on strong relationships, so we do all we can to impress our clients and external stakeholders. Most people, however, pay little or no attention to their relationships with peers, bosses and co-workers, though this might seem an obvious thing to do. Here's how you can become the 'Go to' person and get noticed at work.

The difference is Sudeep is more smart than joydeep and knows how to do the personal branding. There are different ways to create your personal impact. Following are few tips:

Be visible in the office. Walk around the office:

Offices are communities, communities of different workgroups.  Most of us spend up to 9-19 hours a day in close proximity, sharing the same office space, facilities, break rooms, refrigerators, coffee pots, etc, with our work colleagues. Everyone shares responsibility for making the company work, run smoothly and stay profitable. Keep aside about 10-15 minutes a day to take a round, greet all the people you know with a smile and exchange pleasantries. Show the interest in other people. Recognize their achievements, their attire, good thing, you observe.

A smile and a warm handshake can wear off the stress most of us go through. Besides, making this effort adds to your desirability factor at work. And, even though it is considered a cliche, do remember smiling is contagious.

Recognize and appreciate your colleagues: 

Always recognize the good work done by the colleagues. Communicate this to manager how much you appreciate a certain colleague or subordinate for the specific skill sets. When your colleagues come to know this appreciation, you have already build the credibility.  You can also do this in his presence. You would have won his/ her trust and  it will make your senior colleague respect you.

Be genuine and specific as you can. 

Make your name visible:

Have you thought of contributing to your organization's newsletter or Website or the journal that gets distributed within the organization? Since company publications are frequently read by top executives, you'll be increasing your personal reach while establishing yourself as an expert in your chosen area. It's a great way to blow your own trumpet, albeit in a sophisticated fashion.

Join a cross functional team or committee:

Organizations now a days take lot of initiatives for improvements and developments. Cross Functional Teams (CFTs) are formed and company either nominates employees to work or expect some volunteers to join the same.  Have you thought of volunteering to Join such CFTs?  Interacting with the same colleagues everyday won't increase your exposure; however, working on a CFTs with new people gives you an opportunity to make new contacts. It also gives you the opportunity to show your talent and skills to people who matter within the organization.

Handle and sustain with the Conflicts:

Workplace conflicts are most common and therein lies the opportunity to demonstrate your leadership and management skills. When done correctly, it can give you amazing results.

If you are trying to resolve a workplace conflict, do not get judgmental and take sides; rather, just serve as a facilitator and establish the ground rules for professional conduct at work. Keep resolution of the conflict in mind at all times; do not get involved or become emotional.

Offer a Support:

Fill it up. If you've used the last piece of paper in a shared copier or printer, fill it up again even if it means going to the supply room to get another ream. After you've poured the coffee into your cup, take a minute to make another one for the next person in the queue.

Offer to mentor that new recruit at work or share a trade secret -- something that will help a colleague look good before his/ her boss. Often, these small gestures help you build relationships and also spread a good word around about you at the workplace.

Your best performance:

There is nothing that will give you more exposure than getting the employee of the month or quarter award at the Rewards & Recognition event. Since these awards are often given by the top management, it gives you an opportunity to put your name before the key decision makers in your organization. Remember, you won't get ahead with mediocre performance, regardless of how many other steps you implement.

Keep updated:

Read industry publications, reports and magazines, and be aware of market trends. Your knowledge will reflect when you communicate with colleagues and they would look up to you for advice and information. They will also talk positively about you with other members of the team. There is nothing better than third party publicity, as it establishes you as a thought leader within your organization.

Be a Subject Matter Expert & Volunteer for conducting trainings: 

Organizations prefer internal SMEs for training employees and new recruits. Choose one of the area where you are strong and offer the module to new employee in the function or other department. Get the support from your manager for doing this.

Don't shy away from personal branding at work. If done well, it can have a positive impact and help you get ahead at work.

You may also like to read  Personal Branding .

Words which you should avoid…transform your communication..

“He directly targeting me while speaking. I agree that I may be wrong, but this is not the way to deal with people. After all we are not children.” One of the employee was complaining about his Manager.

“What he spoke?” I asked him..

“He uses the words always, you did it. You disappointed me.. you make my job difficult etc. etc.”

I realized that people may aware on the uses of words but they may not be aware how to use the word. Much of our communication is done in words. We use words to communicate ourselves to ourselves, as well as to others. Meaning may be the same but it is how you put it. We are dealing with the adults and respect should be the core value. People make mistakes, but when you directly blame them, they feel hurt.  

Worlds should be used very carefully. More important things in how you use your word. Empowering communication can create a shift in your belief system when practiced over a period of time. To make the communication more influencing, you need to carefully use the pattern of the language.

You can use following strategy to make your communication more positive and effective..

Talk in “I” statements.

When you find something wrong with the people, use “I” statement.  It empowers you to express yourself instead of blaming others. For example if you find somebody very arrogant, use “I find you arrogant ” instead of using “You are arrogant.”

Communicate ‘”what is”’ instead of ‘”what is not”. ’

If you are unhappy with something, instead of “I feel unhappy”” say, “I feel sad.”

Drop the word “”can’t”” and change it to “”won’t”.

There is never a can’t.  You have the choice to do something. You can do but it is your choice not to do it. You always have a choice. If you say,  “I can’t come tonight for the party  because I have to take care of my son.” this is just not true.
Reality is “You won’t come tonight, because you choose to baby-sit.”

Drop the word  “problem/issue”  from your vocabulary.

I have seen the people who are always in the problem. In small things they will see issues and problems.  “Boss I have one issue.” If somebody comes and asks me. I say, ”very  good, now solve it.”

Every problem or issues is the opportunity of something., hence use challenge or opportunity instead.

A problem means that you are a victim of the situation. A challenge or an opportunity means that you choose to face the situation and grow beyond it.

Drop the word “but”.

Most of the people, use the word but…

I can do it …but I can’t….

Stop compromising your positive statements with a but”: I had a wonderful day, but...”

Here you enjoyed the day, and spoiling it by just adding but…you also putting the negative shade to the communication…

Did you notice, what statement I used… I used “And” instead of “But” in above statement…

Internet & internationalization: A Window to the World

In the era of Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter we actually have become global citizen. The virtual travel is very much possible. Different people, nationalities must have in your friend list. Do you like to learn from them? How you do your research on Google about different countries and culture?   

Is it important to know the world in which we live and learn about far-away lands? What is the impact of acquiring knowledge about other countries and cultures and becoming a "window to the world"? If we develop an attitude of learning about others and an open mind in our interactions with other cultures, we are taking another key step towards success.  

All of us — whether we are able to travel because of our jobs or through our own finances or we are unable to leave our homes, cities or countries but travel through internet-cyberspace — can be "windows to the world." 

A Means of Communication 

A window not only allows air and light to enter a house; it may also reveal the wonders outside to those inside. A window is a means of communication and every human being should become a "window" within his or her family, people, and culture. 

From our homes, we can become virtual travellers, using the Internet to expand our cultural horizons. We can learn more about other countries perhaps by placing a world map on the wall in our room or office and focusing on a new country for a period of time. We can familiarize ourselves with each country's geographic shape, politics, culture, cuisine, religions, important places, economy and flag. We can mark the map to show each country to which we have “travelled." 

Prepare before you travel 

Those of us who travel physically can prepare before our travels by reading a good book about the place or places we plan to visit. We can also take along an album of good photos of our family, a good book with photos of our country, and some small but valuable gifts that communicate something about our country and ourselves to the people we plan to meet in our travels. 

The right attitude 

But the most important element to become a "window to the world" is our attitude, our way of thinking, feeling and acting when we interact with people from lands and cultures different from our own. 

Here's an acrostic for the word RESPECT, listing the seven key areas we need to master to become a "window to the world." We can develop these skills if we want to raise our poly-cultural quotients and become more effective in international relations. 

• Respect: Recognize the differences among countries and cultures, but avoid the tendency to criticize based on our own reality. Ask tactfully and politely about what looks different in order to learn. Never say something is “bad,” “wrong,” “dirty” or the like. 
• Elasticity: Develop the ability to open yourself to something new, to be flexible, to sample a new food or try a new dance, to sing a country song, to visit an open market, and to dare to try new things. 
• Synergy: Seek a flow in your relations with people from other cultures. Remember that when we unite our talents with those of others different from us, the result is greater than the sum of the parts. Synergy multiplies results and prevents unnecessary conflicts. 
• Purpose: Establish a clear purpose when you travel or interact with someone from another culture to ensure the relationship flows harmoniously and everyone benefits from the interaction. 
• Emotions: Foster nourishing emotions, such as serenity and joy, to ensure any trip or inter-cultural relationship is productive. 
• Care: Plan and organize your meetings with people from other nationalities or cultures with care to ensure the effectiveness of those encounters. Take time to show you care. 
• Time: Respect other people's time. In some cultures, time is considered an extremely valuable asset, and respecting other people's time shows respect for the people themselves. 

Being a "window to the world" helps us become better persons and better professionals, able to recognize diversity and to take advantage of it, not only for our own benefit, but for the collective benefit as well. Mastering the areas above will help us become more effective international visitors, guests, hosts, providers, partners or customers.  

Baking on a stove top

 Article by Guest Author:- Shaheen Maniar

Some years ago a couple moved into our neighborhood.  They were a friendly and happy couple.   Soon they became the favourite “uncle” and “aunty” to all the children.  The “uncle” is the quintessential food lover.  Luckily for him, his young wife is a fantastic cook.  Exotic aromas always drift out of their kitchen window.  All the kids in the locality know that “aunty” is a great baker because, fortunately for them, she also loves to feed hungry school children – loading them with generous helpings of cakes and bread!!

Sometimes “uncle” potters around the kitchen when his wife is baking and also helps her with her cooking.  Since they spend so much time in the kitchen, it is a big and comfortable place with modern gadgets to help speed the process.  They regularly invest in the latest in frying pans, steamers, poachers apart from mixers, and of course, they have a lovely microwave oven – the pride of their kitchen; as it helps not just re-heat but bake and grill and also cook complicated Indian recipes.

But one thing always intrigued everyone. Though “aunty” had an oven, she always baked her cakes on a slow-fire stove.  When asked about it, she smiled mysteriously and said “that’s how my mom baked”.  One day, aunty’s mother came to visit and was asked why she baked her cakes on the stove.  Aunty’s mom too replied “that’s how my mom baked”.

This, I think, made the husband very curious.  The next week-end, when they called up the grandma; eager to know what the secret was; he cautiously asked her why she baked on a stove.  She answered “My husband worked very hard to provide for his family.  We were comfortable, but we could not afford an oven.  So I baked on the stove we had”.

Since then, he has been teasing his wife about this revelation of the ‘secret’ of the lovely cakes.

But let’s be honest with ourselves.  How many of us do things in a certain way because our parents (read seniors, bosses and predecessors in office situations) did it that way?  They may have had reasons just like grandma above did.  But was that the best way to do it?  How many will experiment with set “systems”?

The adventure is not in the destination – it is in the journey.  But sadly, most of us have made the journey a routine and boring chore.  Unfortunately, we have killed our curiosity and creativity by giving in to the comfort of mediocre familiarity.  Somewhere, in our daily routines of work and home, we have lost our sense of adventure.  And adventure need not be in seeking the unknown in a remote jungle . . . why not just take a new route to office tomorrow morning, and discover a part of the city you never visited? Or walk down an unfamiliar road this weekend – just out of curiosity? Let the journey and not the destination be the happiness.

(Shaheen Maniar is a qualified, Pune based, behavioral skills trainer. She has been training for Corporates and Institutes since 2002. She is a proficient and passionate facilitator; the English language, Business Communication and Presentations being her forte. Apart from training and development. Her hobbies include reading and she is part of various story-telling and social groups.)

Now you can also write for this blog. Only one condition: Your contribution should be original  

Bus Conductor who makes people happy….

“देणाऱ्याने देत जावे.........  

I used to travel daily to the college by state transport bus. It was Ojhar (where the factory of Mig fighter planes is located) to Nashik.  Bus was always crowded, and most of the time the travel was by standing. It was starting March and we were preparing for the examinations. One day, I took the bus and fortunately I got the seat to relax while travelling. After few minutes when bus started on Highway,  there was a huge crowd of vehicles on the road stuck up in the traffic jam.  Whole route was jam.  There was no guarantee that we would reach at college on time, however there was no point to go back. I decided to face what is there as the whole situation was not in our control. Vehicles were moving with slow pace. 

He is like me syndrome ….Liking Bias….

Mirroring is the common behaviour during meetings, public

forums etc. In this pic, two leaders seating here are mirroring

Mr. Obama.     

Recently, I was just spending my time at Shopping Mall in Shanghai.  People have lot of spending power. There is a craze of all Apple products which are very costly even in China. However now a days it is a status symbol to have the i-phone and i-pad, whatsoever cost may be. I was just doing the window shopping and observing the people behaviour  including of salespeople.  What is the consumer behaviour?

One of the interesting behaviour , I observed, is “mirroring”. Salesperson was trying to copy the gestures, language, and facial expression of his client. If the buyer speaks very slow and quietly, scratching his head,  salesperson also copies the same behaviour of the buyer. This behaviour makes him likeable in the eyes of the buyer and the deal is more likely. What advertisements do? They project the same behaviour of consumer to attract them.  This is a “Liking Bias”.

Perceptions… opinions and unfairness …

He was disturbed and frustrated. “It is unfair…he is unfair to me” he told me.

“How? What he did?” he explained me his story. There are always two perspectives; there are always opinions and most of the time perceptions. 

“It is your story, there may be his story and reality may be totally different.” I counselled him. I know, I was philosophical. But I wonder to understand how viewpoints are made. Sometimes these opinions and perceptions create problems. In professional life, if you make such opinions on perceptions, specially about the person, then person gets affected. Leader’s job is to really dig into and be fair on the assessment. As rightly said by  Hippocrates, “There are in fact two things, science and opinion; the former begets knowledge, the latter ignorance.”

If you are ignorant and make opinions based on certain assumptions, you are really not fair to the person. There should be the spectrum of acceptable opinion. The discussion should be within that spectrum. This spectrum should be created based on the incidents and facts and not based on the assumptions.

People give feedback and receive feedback. Sometimes feedback is based on the perceptions, perceptions are based on some experiences and when we have certain experiences we tend to justify ourselves. When you argue on justifications, and other person does not have the right justification, believe that next person is unfair to you. However your justification should be right and with examples.

There are perceptual errors that create bias or lack of subjectivity in evaluations & while giving opinions. This is all about the personality. If your mind is tuned to do the perceptual errors, you will do that, but your brain may correct, if you have the right attitude.

You may make the mistake by ignoring his good traits over one bad trait or vice versa just because you focus more on specific trait.  Sometimes just the next person is comfortable and listens you well, you tend to make the right opinion about him. You just label somebody based on one incident or  just targeting the person rather his behavior. Such actions of yours give the wrong signals and then you are stamp unfair, yes you are unfair if you do so…

According to me and based on the experience, I can definitely say, “sometimes somebody will be unfair to you, just ignore and move ahead… Someday somebody will be unfair to him also…”

Feedback should not be like GSM

Feedback is crucial in development. Feedback improves your skills if given or taken properly.  It also helps us to make ourselves aware about our unknown self and reduce the blind spot. However feedback is always considered as critical. The person receiving the feedback does not like it, most of the times. However if it is given in proper way, it definitely helps to improve and can be taken as development area. During giving the feedback, you should not target the person, but his behavior. Receiver should get it as a support and help and he should sense your genuine interest in supporting the person. It should not be the criticism.      

It should not be like GSM. Yes. GSM

G: No generalized feedback.

Feedback should not be generalized. It should be specific and you should mentioned the event based on you would are giving the feedback. While receiving the feedback, insist on the event, occasion, based on feedback is being given.

S: No sensational feedback.

Feedback is for the improvement. You should not attach the sentiments to the feedback. If you do this, receiver may take it as a personal. While giving feedback, your intention should be clear. But it is upto the receiver how he takes. He should not feel offended and hence it should not be dramatic, however it can be sensitive.

M: No meaningless feedback.

Feedback should have some credibility. There are people who just give the feedback for the sake of giving feedback. Feedback should be supported with concrete examples. You should also see the benefits into it. If the behavior change doesn’t matter much to the person or the organization, why he would take it. Hence feedback should show some long term benefits to the person.

Person should think that feedback he received is reward for him and not his reproach.  

At the end of this year, take out this GSM from your mind and let’s make 2014 more positive, healthy and useful to the people, employees, relatives & friends by giving feedback as a reward.

Happy & wonderful New Year ahead…. 

Husband’s love & the tiger's whisker

Once upon a time, a young wife named Rama Devi was at her wit's end. Her husband had always been a tender and loving soulmate before he had left for the wars but, ever since he returned home, he was cross, angry, and unpredictable. She was almost afraid to live with her own husband. Only in glancing moments did she catch a shadow of the husband she used to know and love.

When one ailment or another bothered people in her village, they would often rush for a cure to a hermit who lived deep in the mountains. Not Rama Devi. She always prided herself that she could heal her own troubles. But this time was different. She was desperate.

As Rama Devi approached the hermit's hut, she saw the door was open. The old man said without turning around: "I hear you. What's your problem?"

She explained the situation. His back still to her, he said, "Ah yes, it's often that way when soldiers return from the war. What do you expect me to do about it?"

"Make me a potion!" cried the young wife. "Or an amulet, a drink, whatever it takes to get my husband back the way he used to be."

The old man turned around. "Young woman, your request doesn't exactly fall into the same category as a broken bone or ear infection."

"I know", said she.

"It will take three days before I can even look into it. Come back then."

Three days later, Rama Devi returned to the hermit's hut. "Rama Devi", he greeted her with a smile, "I have good news. There is a potion that will restore your husband to the way he used to be, but you should know that it requires an unusual ingredient. You must bring me a whisker from a live tiger."

"What?" she gasped. "Such a thing is impossible!"

"I cannot make the potion without it!" he shouted, startling her. He turned his back. "There is nothing more to say. As you can see, I'm very busy."

That night Rama Devi tossed and turned. How could she get a whisker from a live tiger?

The next day before dawn, she crept out of the house with a bowl of rice covered with meat sauce. She went to a cave on the mountainside where a tiger was known to live. She clicked her tongue very softly as she crept up, her heart pounding, and carefully set the bowl on the grass. Then, trying to make as little noise as she could, she backed away.

The next day before dawn, she took another bowl of rice covered with meat sauce to the cave. She approached the same spot, clicking softly with her tongue. She saw that the bowl was empty, replaced the empty one with a fresh one, and again left, clicking softly and trying not to break twigs or rustle leaves, or do anything else to startle and unsettle the wild beast.

So it went, day after day, for several months. She never saw the tiger (thank goodness for that! she thought) though she knew from footprints on the ground that the tiger - and not a smaller mountain creature - had been eating her food. Then one day as she approached, she noticed the tiger's head poking out of its cave. Glancing downward, she stepped very carefully to the same spot and with as little noise as she could, set down the fresh bowl and, her heart pounding, picked up the one that was empty.

After a few weeks, she noticed the tiger would come out of its cave as it heard her footsteps, though it stayed a distance away (again, thank goodness! she thought, though she knew that someday, in order to get the whisker, she'd have to come closer to it).

Another month went by. Then the tiger would wait by the empty food bowl as it heard her approaching. As she picked up the old bowl and replaced it with a fresh one, she could smell its scent, as it could surely smell hers.

"Actually", she thought, remembering its almost playful look as she set down a fresh bowl, "it is a rather friendly creature, when you get to know it." The next time she visited, she glanced up at the tiger briefly and noticed what a lovely downturn of reddish fur it had from over one of its eyebrows to the next. Not a week later, the tiger allowed her to gently rub its head, and it purred and stretched like a house cat.

Then she knew the time had come. The next morning, very early, she brought with her a small knife. After she set down the fresh bowl and the tiger allowed her to pet its head, she said in a low voice: "Oh, my tiger, may I please have just one of your whiskers?" While petting the tiger with one hand, she held one whisker at its base and, with the other hand, in one quick stroke, she carved the whisker off. She stood up, speaking softly her thanks, and left, for the last time.

The next morning seemed endless. At last her husband left for the rice fields. She ran to the hermit's hut, clutching the precious whisker in her fist. Bursting in, she cried to the hermit: "I have it! I have the tiger's whisker!"

"You don't say?" he said, turning around. "From a live tiger?"

"Yes!" she said.

"Tell me", said the hermit, interested. "How did you do it?"

Rama Devi told the hermit how, for the last six months, she had earned the trust of the creature and it had finally permitted her to cut off one of its whiskers. With pride she handed him the whisker. The hermit examined it, satisfied himself that it was indeed a whisker from a live tiger, then flicked it into the fire where it sizzled and burned in an instant.

"Rama", the hermit said softly, "you no longer need the whisker. Tell me, is a man more vicious than a tiger? If a dangerous wild beast will respond to your gradual and patient care, do you think a man will respond any less willingly?"

Rama Devi stood speechless. Then she turned and stepped down the trail, turning over in her mind images of the tiger and of her husband, back and forth. She knew what she could do. 

Transactional Analysis:- Understanding & Managing Human Being...

In the last blog, I have given the analysis of personalities and their interaction, communication style of Bigg Boss, participants. This blog has got almost 500 hits in a day and there were different comments. I had to delete few of comments because of abusive language. This is also funny, how people respond, when something goes different from their expectations. I wanted to put the exact point of this theory here. I thought to explain what this theory is and how it works in our day to day life.

Transactional analysis or TA is a branch of psychotherapy developed by Eric Berne.  His definition of it is “a theory of personality and a systematic psychotherapy for personal growth and change”.  Based on this theory Thomas Anthony Harris had written a beautiful self-help book, “I am OK, You are OK.”   It is about how people interact with each other especially which ego state of the person is interacting with which ego state.

Knowing about TA can be very useful for improving our interaction/communication skills.  TA is about how people are structured psychologically and is both a theory of communication and a theory of child development.

The attached presentation will help you to understand more about this theory and model…