Conflict and Relationship

(Cartoon sketched by Atharva Vinod Bidwaik for the book "Vitality in Human Resource") 

In most of the relationships, either in personal or professional life, conflicts occur because of lack of proper understanding, communication, and respect. Somebody rightly said, “Without communication, there is no relationship. Without respect, there is no love. Without trust, there’s no reason to continue.”

Over time, behaviours are changed and that escalates conflicts which may damage the relationship. Those behaviours become the normal part of communication between partners, friends or among colleagues. Generally speaking, conflicts occur because of four behaviours in any relationship. Those are as under:

Behaviour 1:

Criticism:

Problem: Wise people said, “Don’t blame the person, blame the behaviour of the person.” We missed this. Blaming is pointing and if you blame somebody, it makes him/her defensive. While criticizing, the focus is on perceived personal shortcomings instead of changeable behaviours. For example: “You again made a mistake, you are dumb.”

Solution: “Communicate unto the other person that you would want him to communicate unto you if your positions were reversed.” quotes Aaron Goldman

The best solution is to deal with problems in a calm and gentle way. The focus should be on the problem, not the person. The person in question should also take it positively. Feedback is always a gift which helps the development, however when you take the feedback personally, conflicts occur. For example: “I am disappointed by your mistake, can you take corrective actions and ensure that such mistakes don’t happen.”

Behaviour 2:

Being Defensive:

Problem: When the feedback is given, the person takes it personally and becomes defensive. S/he doesn’t take ownership of his/her behaviour and starts blaming others and circumstances. There are a lot of excuses to justify the mistake. For Example: “This is not my fault. I sent the mail and I have not received any response from him.”

Solution: Own up to your behaviour without blaming others or circumstances. Feedback is like a gift. As said by Ken Blanchard “Feedback is the breakfast of champions.” If you want to be the champion and take control of your life, always seek feedback and demonstrate the right behaviour. Say, “I have sent the mail, I have not received the response yet, I should have just picked up the phone and called him.”

Behaviour 3:

Showing disrespect:

Problem: People love themselves. They need to maintain their self-image. Showing anger, disgust, or hostility towards the next person, creates conflicts. Making them scared, threatening them about the negative consequences, being sarcastic and showing the power, hurt the people. Some people are experts at throwing tantrums. This is toxic in any relationship and also in organizational culture.    

Solution: Make people comfortable and help them to realise their behaviour. Explain to them two sides of the issue, negative and positive consequences. Appreciating the right time, showing respect and creating trust (ART) build a strong relationship.    

Behaviour 4:

Stopping to communicate or stonewalling:

Problem: The person withdraws emotionally, shutting down, or going silent during important discussions. S/he stops communicating and listening. Based on the situation, the person avoids having difficult conversations and goes in the capsule. However, because of this behaviour nobody is able to solve the problem or issues.   

Solution: Self reflection is the key. Understand your blind spots and try to improve on the same. The key is not being passive, aggressive or playing the card of victim but being assertive and understanding the actions and meaning of those actions. Be positive and try to speak about the problem and not the person.

The key in a healthy relationship is listening and understanding the next person. There is always a story behind any conflicts and relationship, it is upto you how you make that story interesting and with a happy ending. 

(Opinions are purely personal & does not represent my organizations, current or past) 

Author's book are available on Amazon, Flipkart, Pothi and BookGanga. Income from books is used for social cause. 

Action – Reaction…

Three learnings while dealing with conflicting situations…

I always see the people in stress when something goes wrong. People even push the panic button and start acting without thinking. I understand that the reaction is natural after any action, but without understanding the action, you can’t design your reaction. Adverse situations are always challenging, you actually hone your skills while handling such situations.  

I remember the situation when I was working with one of the biggest automobile company in their engine manufacturing plant. There was a discussion going on wage demands. Those were typical days when such discussions are in progress. The negotiations were long pending and workmen were adamant on their demands. They were not willing to discuss on the productivity expected by the management as per the standards.

They tried every resorts like boycotting the founder day, annual day, go slow etc. However management was firm and we handled the situation. We identified troublemakers and opinion makers. Trouble makers were put under observation and opinion makers were properly communicated. We also completed almost 10 domestic enquires against the workmen involving habitual absenteeism. These 10 workmen were counselled and instructed not to take a single leave without permission in a year. The counselling sessions were documented in front of the union leaders. Their termination was kept on hold.

We came to know that workmen are planning to take mass leave. They did this and next day nobody turned to the job. This was a case of flash strike.

Next day, 10 workmen were out of the company…we terminated their services. Union had totally ignored this and they were shocked… after few days, MoU was signed. We asked them to implement productivity as per the norms and then only we signed the settlement.

This situation taught me few things which I always remember.                 

Don‘t respond immediately: During the whole process we thought a lot with the team on the actions. We were knowing that workmen will go for flash strike, but we decided the action after much thought. We also deducted the salary as per the law. The deduction and termination of 10 workmen was the strong point with us during negotiations. The pressure built by other workmen and opinion makers helps us to get the union on the table to discuss productivity issues.     

Try to understand before you act: The consequences would have been totally different. We had completed domestic enquiries and all 10 workmen were liable for punishment considering their records. However we had decided to give them one chance, going on flash strike also means absenting from the job which is not sanctioned by the management. Irrespective to all pressures they should have come to the job. They lost. I was criticized by few colleagues for giving the opportunity to those workmen. We didn't terminated them before because we didn't wanted to create a negative environment during collective bargaining.     

Keep the end in mind: This situation was the opportunity for us. Union came forward for the discussion. They had to take the full retreat. When we reacted on the situation, it was clear that we want to break the unwavering which we did.

Off course this was the team work. I also would like to clear that decisions in such situations are logical during particular situation and not necessary, they will be applicable in all such similar situations. However above learnings are applicable before acting in any situations.