Forgiveness- Forgive thy idiots

It's natural to feel hurt and angry when others cause us pain or harm. It's a normal and healthy response to protect ourselves and defend our boundaries. However, holding onto that hurt and anger can be toxic and damaging to ourselves and our relationships.

When we refuse to forgive others for causing us hurt, we allow that hurt to fester and grow, causing ongoing emotional pain and suffering. It can also lead to resentment and bitterness, which can poison our relationships and prevent us from moving forward.

On the other hand, when we choose to forgive others, we allow ourselves to let go of the hurt and move on. It doesn't mean that we forget what happened or that we accept harmful behavior, but it means that we choose not to allow the hurt to control us and our relationships.

Forgiveness is a powerful tool that allows us to let go of anger, resentment, and hurt feelings towards someone who has wronged us. It is a way of releasing ourselves from the pain and suffering caused by the actions of others, and allows us to move forward with our lives in a positive and healthy manner. 

"Forgiveness is like a weight lifted off your shoulders. When you hold onto grudges and resentment, it can feel like you are carrying a heavy burden that drains your energy and joy. But when you choose to forgive, it's like a burden has been lifted and you are free to move forward with a sense of peace and lightness."

Forgiveness is also like a fresh start. It's like a new page in a book, an opportunity to leave the past behind and begin anew. When you extend forgiveness to others, you open the door to healing and reconciliation, and the possibility of a brighter future. So the next time you are faced with the opportunity to forgive, remember that it's like a weight lifted off your shoulders and a fresh start. Choose to let go of your anger and embrace the power of forgiveness.

Forgiveness does not mean that we have to forget what happened, or that we have to let the person who hurt us off the hook for their actions. It does not mean that we have to continue to have a relationship with them, if that is not healthy for us. But it does mean that we let go of the negative feelings towards them, and that we choose to respond to the situation in a positive and healthy way. 

One way to begin the process of forgiveness is to practice self-compassion. This means treating ourselves with the same kindness, care, and understanding that we would offer to a good friend. It means acknowledging our own pain and suffering, and giving ourselves permission to feel our emotions. It also means reminding ourselves that we are not alone, and that many others have gone through similar experiences.

Another way to practice forgiveness is to use visualization techniques. This can involve imagining ourselves in a peaceful and calming setting, such as a beautiful garden or a serene beach. We can then visualize the person who hurt us, and imagine them in a positive light. For example, we can imagine them apologizing for their actions, or expressing regret. This can help us to release some of the negative emotions that we are feeling.

Ultimately, forgiveness is a choice that we make for ourselves. It is a way of taking control of our own lives, and of moving forward in a positive and healthy manner. It is a way of letting go of the pain and suffering caused by the actions of others, and of finding peace and healing within ourselves.

Please respond the survey, I am conducting, as a part of my research by clicking on >> Leadership Competencies required for managers while handling crisis situations. 

(Opinions are purely personal & does not represent my organizations, current or past) 

Author's books are available on Amazon, Flipkart, Pothi and BookGanga. You can buy the print copy of Vitality in Human Resources on amazon. Click >> Vitality in Human Resource: Adding human dimensions in HR processes    

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Are you stuck up?

Imposter syndrome

Image: Pixabay

Are you stuck up in your current job and you are experiencing that you are not performing as per the expectations? Do you feel that you are not as capable as others perceive and your success is because of your boss, or external factors and not because of your performance? Do you feel that you are not included in the team, and nobody supports you? Are you trying to please everybody and have the feeling that you are making a lot of mistakes? If your answer is ‘yes’, perhaps you are going through an “imposter experience” also known as “imposter syndrome”. Sometimes in the career we are stuck up; there are challenges, but we are not in a position to take any action. This is a natural phenomena, however, when you feel helpless and want to withdraw, then definitely there is something wrong with you. This also leads to taking things personally and not taking the critical feedback positively. The person with these feelings starts doubting herself/himself. This leads to negative self-image.

The life here is not in the person’s control, s/he tries to set high goals, please others, try to be perfectionist and never satisfied with his/her level of understanding and try to learn many things.

Most of the time, the roots of our behaviours are in our background, upbringings and the way we are grown by parents. Studies suggest that people who come from families characterized by high levels of conflict with low amounts of support may be more likely to experience imposter syndrome. Sometimes it is possible when the person gets the new role and doesn’t believe that s/he has the right skill sets to perform. People also experience the imposter experience, when they are going through transitions. There are certain reasons like the way we think, the self-image we have developed, poor ability to manage stress & anxiety and having more expectations from self and others.   

Imposter syndrome is not the lifelong syndrome. You can overcome this experience by being positive and developing the belief in yourself. It is important to reflect on some hard-hitting questions like do you really need approval from others? Are you practical with your strengths and weaknesses?  And what are those experiences which you can reverse positively?

Few strategies to cope with imposter syndrome are:

• Self-reflect: Take stock of your strengths and weaknesses. Don’t become personal when somebody is giving you the feedback for the improvement. We all have blind spots and working on those is crucial in development.
• Challenge your thought process, identify, and recognize positive experiences where you perform and feel good. Believe that, if you did good in the past, you would do better in the future.   
• Share your feelings to whom you believe. Take their opinion and suggestions. Asking for help and support is not bad. If required, ask for the support you need from others.
• Learn emotional intelligence skills. Try to recognize the feeling and reason behind those. There may be some belief behind those emotions and feelings. Then try to convert those feelings into some rational thought process and positive feelings, sometimes finding the silver lining and creating new beliefs.
• Most important is accept yourself as it is. Think rationally about yourself. Don’t look at yourself through the eyes of others. Think or rate your behaviour and not self.

The belief that what we carry is not necessarily right, hence it is important to work on those beliefs and develop new ones based on new experiences.  

(Opinions are purely personal & does not represent my organizations, current or past) 

Author's book are available on Amazon, Flipkart, Pothi and BookGanga. Income from books is used for social cause. 

Toxic Parrot

Toxic Parrot is our state of mind which is self critical, negative and unhelpful for self and others.

“Do you know that we carry a colourful but very dangerous parrot every moment?”.  He asked.

“What? What do you mean by that?” My reply.

“Parrot is a bird, it learns what you teach it, it will recite what he listened without understanding the meaning of that.”

“Yes, parrots are like that. They have a strong memory.”

“But imagine that you get that parrot. You don’t know from where it is. It doesn't have any knowledge, wisdom, or insight.”

“Ok!”

“However, this parrot is fed with self-criticism, negative thought and is always critical with others. What will you call that parrot?” He asked me.

“Of course, it is a toxic parrot.” I replied

“Yes, Toxic parrots are specifically trained to be unhelpful to you continuously commenting on you, your life and others in a way that constantly puts you down.”

“This is interesting, I like the metaphor.” Indeed, it was a great metaphor.

“This toxic parrot will always criticize you for everything, putting down your self-image. For example, when you don’t get the promotion in the office, it will criticize that you are not worth for the promotion, you are dumb and there are others more deserving candidates. If you are late for catching a bus, it will say, there you are … late latif… as usual... you can’t, useless.”

“And how this parrot is harmful to others?” I had a question.

“Toxic parrot while criticizing you, it will also criticize others because of unhappiness. It will ask you to blame others. It will give a constant message negatively about others also.”

“You are right, yet we can often put up with the thoughts from this internal bully for far too long. We hear that “parrot‟, believe the “parrot‟, and naturally get upset. That then affects the way we live our lives – the way we behave towards others, how we are, what we think about others, what we think about the world, and how we think and feel about ourselves.” I said.

“Wow, absolutely, you are getting it now” He smiled,

“But how we can keep shut the toxic parrot.”

“There is an Antidote for this.”

“Antidote and how to use that?”

“Simple, just notice that toxic parrot, and cover the cage!”

“Means?”

“Imagine that you are throwing a towel to the cage where the toxic parrot is.”

“Just reinforce the message, there’s that parrot again. I don’t have to listen to it. It’s just a parrot”. He told me, “Then go and do something else. Put your focus of attention on something else, distract yourself from the toxic parrot.”

“Is it so easy? By doing this will it keep its mouth shut?”

“No, this parrot is toxic, and it won’t give up easily, so you’ll need to keep using that antidote and be persistent in your practice! Eventually it will get tired of the towel, tired of you not responding. You’ll notice it less and less. It might just give up its poison as your antidote overcomes it, or perhaps fly off to wherever toxic parrots go.”

(The story is written by Vinod Bidwaik, based on the concept of “The Malevolent Parrot” by Kristina Iving)

Author's book are available on Amazon, Flipkart and BookGanga 

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Peel the onion

Today to her (wife’s) surprise, I volunteered to cook dinner. I am not that expert in cooking; however, the easy recipe is of course Khichdi, easy and fast to cook. You only need rice, dal, spices, tomato, chili powder, salt, onion etc. You can add ginger, curry leaves, coriander and garlic to make it tasty. Finally, I could cook the Khichdi. My wife and son enjoyed eating that. While preparing for the Khichdi, thought came to my mind, that isn’t in our life everything is like Khichdi and onion? The same taste as Khichdi and different layers like onion? When you peel one scale, you get another in onion and we have a lot of ingredients in life like Khichdi. Our life is full of emotions like different spices.   

When we go in deep, we have different meanings in life. Such layers are everywhere in life. While communicating and understanding human beings you can use the metaphor of onion. Outer layer sometimes is fragile, sometimes rigid, sometimes dirty, but as you peel the layer, you get different insights.

Human beings are made up of upbringings, culture, value systems etc. overall surrounding and society has an impact on our lives. In emotional intelligence, we always use the word, “empathy, understanding the perspective of another person”. However, it is interesting to understand how those perspectives are built over a period of times. Sometimes, it is necessary to build trust by tearing layers and self-disclosing and sometimes just being curious and making another person included to understand him/her.       

Different researchers and authors have come up with different theories around the onion and that is very cool to understand. Few are related to the culture; few are related to change management but underlined philosophy is the same.     

In case of organizations, organizations also have their own personalities, i.e. culture of the organizations. The outer layers are composed of the patterns of behaviour observed while interacting with employees and managers. The next layer encompasses the beliefs, norms and attitudes of that culture. The middle of the onion represents the underlying cultural assumptions and values. As the most hidden layer, these aspects of culture are much harder to recognise and understand, but all of the other layers are built upon the center of the culture onion. Therefore, careful analysis and a better understanding of the different layers as well as how they interact and influence each other is necessary.

You can very much analyse those behavioural patterns of human beings and also employees in the organization by applying this model. Sometimes the underlying reason of behaviour may be totally different than what we assume. Even though we say that values and upbringing decide the behaviour, it is also the experience a person has in the specific situation in past and recent. Responses are always interpreted and manipulated differently. The question is how we are accurate in understanding those. You can be closed to accurate by peeling the onion.  

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(Opinions are purely personal & does not represent my organization)    

Ability & inability…consciously & unconsciously…

When I was in school, I never thought that I would be public speaker & trainer. But when I started my professional life, I thought I can do the same; even better than others who claim they are good. Do we aware of our full ability? There are lot many things in life we do first time and before doing that we never would have thought about those. When there is any change in technology, people fear that it would be difficult to manage that technology. There are lot of tasks which change over a period of time, you struggle to adapt and then you do it professionally.  You do it consciously.

Find the hidden on this Diwali.... Happy Diwali...

Find the hidden within you…

The creator gathered together all of creation and said,

“I want to hide something from the humans until they are ready for it.

It is the realization that... they create their own reality..”

The eagle said, “Give it to me I will take it to the moon”

The Creator said, ”No. One day they will go there and find it.”

The salmon said, “I will take it to the bottom of the ocean..”

“No they will go there too.”

The buffalo said, “I will bury it on the great plains.”

The Creator said, “They will cut into the skin of the earth and find it even there..”

Then the Grandmother mole, who lives in the breast of Mother Earth, and who has no physical eyes but sees with spiritual eyes, said, “Put it inside them.”

And the Creator said, “It is done.”

The creator has put everything within human being and human being is not aware of it.

We search the peace outside, we search God in temples, we search the happiness somewhere else, we search everything outside, we don’t recognize that everything is within us. We have hidden huge potential to make the progress, we have the unlimited power within ourselves.

On this Diwali celebrations, let’s find and recognize “that something” which we have already within us. Hope, this festival of lights, illuminates the path to fulfill dreams and success in the life.

Happy Diwali!